Gottman Method Couples Therapy
I often use Gottman Method Couples Therapy (GMCT) in my work with relationships as well as individuals when appropriate. GMCT is a research-based model created by Drs. John and Julie Gottman’s Sound Relationship House theory of healthy relationships. The model essentially focuses on increasing behaviors related to strong, stable, healthy relationships and decreasing behaviors that are associated with the deterioration of relationships. The first three floors of the house make up the friendship of the relationship.
The first floor is love maps. How up to date are you on your partner’s inner world? Do you know what they like? What their stressors are? Have you revised your understanding of your partner as they have changed over the course of the relationship? Strengthening this area involves taking the time to ask open-ended questions and really get to know each other on a deeper level.
The second floor is fondness and admiration. Do you generally like and admire your partner? Do you feel appreciated by them? Do they feel appreciated by you? Strengthening this area involves remembering what you love about each other and building mutual admiration and respect.
The third floor is turning towards. When you try to get your partner’s attention, do they respond to you? Are they interested? Do they check in with you if you are upset? Do you shift your attention away from your work when they really need you to comfort them? Strengthening this area involves directly communicating your needs and be receptive to responding to your partner(s) when they communicate theirs.
Typically, the quality of the friendship influences whether the relationship will be positive or negative. Relationships can have many strengths but be in the negative perspective. Though I know it can be painful, that is not a sign to lose hope. This may mean the focus is on aspects of the relationship that need strengthening are overshadowing the many positive qualities of the relationship.
The next floor of the house is the conflict management system. Are you able to talk about topics you disagree on in a way that makes you feel respected and heard? Are you able to see the other’s perspective, even when you disagree? Do you manage your own emotions when you feel overwhelmed, “flooded”, or in a state of fight-flight-freeze? Or do you let your emotions get the best of you and allow the presence of and or all of the Four Horsemen of the Relationship Apocalypse (criticism, contempt, stonewalling, defensiveness)? Do you notice a pattern of criticism and defensiveness (also referred to as attack and defend), or pursue and withdraw (do you tend to shut down and flee the argument while your partner tries to follow you and continue the fight)? GMCT categorizes problems into those which are solvable and those with are not (called perpetual problems, the ones that continuously come up from time to time and never seem to reach a resolution). According to the Gottman’s, the majority (about 2/3) of problems in relationships are perpetual/not solvable. This could look like personality differences such as introvert/extrovert, morning/night person, and neat and tidy/unorganized and messy. The goal is to understand the difference between the problems and learn to solve solvable problems while understanding and accepting perpetual problems. I hope you see this as a source of hope because it is important to remember that this statistic applies to all relationships, so no relationship is problem-free and that is one of the reasons why the Gottman’s say “choosing a partner is choosing a set of problems”.
The next floor is making life dreams come true. Does your relationship nourish your identity and dreams as an individual while also nourishing the goals and dreams for your relationship? Strengthening this area involves increasing openness, honesty, and emotional connection in order to feel safe and supported sharing your goals for your life with your partner(s).
The last floor of the house is creating shared meaning. Does your relationship support your beliefs and desires about love, partnership, parenting, roles, and values? Strengthening this area involved exploring each other’s philosophies to create a shared vision for the life you create together.
Finally, the whole house is held together with the walls of trust and commitment. Do you feel like your partner will be there with you through the highs and lows that come with life? Do you feel like you can count on your partner to stay with you despite any differences? Do you trust your partner with your heart and dreams? Strengthening these areas involves working toward feeling your partner has your best interests at heart and will stay with you in the relationship despite needing to strengthen areas of growth or personal differences.